One of my bugbears is journalists who use the simile ‘on acid’ in their articles. It’s normally used in cultural reviews to describe a particularly ‘far out’ performer or piece of art, even though it’s now considered both inaccurate and clichéd.

Such lazy journalism was skewered brilliantly by comedians Stewart Lee and Richard Herring in their series This Morning With Richard Not Judy, in a scene that purported to simulate the scene of veteran comedian Norman Wisdom ‘on acid’. This was in response to an Evening Standard reporter who had used (or quoted, the reporter later claimed) the phrase to describe the physical comedy stylings of Lee Evans. But instead of a slapstick, energetic, bug-eyed dynamo, the resultant scene saw an ill, confused old man wandering slowly around a room.

Just as bad as ‘on acid’ is ‘like so-and-so and so-and-so in a blender’ or ‘like such-and-such and such-and-such in a lift‘. I’m not saying that there’s no room for similes in creative journalism any more; I’m just saying let’s create some new ones. Here’s some of my suggestions:

Like Stephen Hawkings on sugar-free Red Bull
Like Kerry Katona on chicken drumsticks
Like Brian Blessed on a noise abatement order
Like Michael Barrymore on television
Like Jennifer Lopez on the rebound
Like Peter Andre on fire
Like Rocket From the Crypt on a rope
Like Yoko Ono on a yoke.